


bearable,

by literatiruinedme



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Caretaking, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Dom/sub Undertones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-03-10 06:29:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13496672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literatiruinedme/pseuds/literatiruinedme
Summary: sometimes moving was hard.sometimes breathing was hard.sometimes he just needed her.all chapters are unrelated.Updated randomly as I have my depressive episodes.





	1. bearable,

**Author's Note:**

> this was just cathartic. sorry if it's a mess.

Today _hurt_.

There was a crash from what sounded like the kitchen, but Cassian didn't move.

He rolled over when the door to his room opened, shutting his eyes to fake sleep.

The bed creaked as Jyn sat down, resting her hand on his shoulder. “Cassian, you need to get up.”

“It's not that late,” he sighed, unwilling to even turn his head.

“It's almost dinner time,” she countered.

He shrugged.

“Cass, we agreed on five being the latest you could be in bed.”

“I'm fine, Jyn.”

She sighed, reaching forward to drag her nails along the base of his neck- an annoying like trick she'd picked up that would always make him turn to face her and inch closer. “Please, just get up and shower. We can eat in here, but you need to get up.”

“I can't today.”

Today hurt. Today _ached_. His chest was tight, hollow; he felt like he was letting himself drown.

“You have to,” Jyn sighed, poking his arm with increasing intensity (but still nowhere near enough to actually hurt him) until he sat up.

He stayed sitting as Jyn fussed, tilting his face to look at her.

“When was the last time you shaved?”

“Monday,” Cassian answered honestly. There was no reason to lie to her, she could read him like a book.

“Shower, shave, and brush your teeth,” she ordered gently, reaching up to pet his untamed facial hair. “Okay?”

A _formality_. He didn't have a choice. He wouldn't complain though, he knew she only did it out of love. Had the roles been reversed, he'd happily make sure she managed to do something as basic as shower if she was too depressed to consider getting up.

“Okay,” Cassian agreed after a moment of silence.

Jyn smiled, leaning in to kiss his forehead. “I'll start it, just...please get a change of clothes together when I get up, okay?”

He nodded, watching a she smiled brightly. He was still barely able to hold his expression into anything past tired eyes and no smile.

“Please?” Jyn asked again, her smile faltering.

He nodded then, biting the inside of his cheek when she smiled.

He loved her smile, would do anything for it, but on days that hurt like today did, he just couldn't. He nodded again, letting her pull him to his feet.

She leaned up on the tips of her toes to press a kiss to his cheek before disappearing from the room.

She didn't deserve him and his never ending pain.

He sighed walking over to his dresser for a change of sweat pants and an old t-shirt. He walked over to the bathroom, seeing his stuff down on the closed toilet seat before he picked up his electric razor, quickly trimming the hair over his cheeks, chin, and neck.

She smiled when he turned back to her, reaching up to run her fingers along his jaw. “There's my handsome man,” she sighed happily.

He gave her a sad smile, but he knew it was enough to put her at ease.

“Brush your teeth and shower and I'll set up a little impromptu picnic on the bed,” she bounced on her heels, leaning up to kiss his cheek again before disappearing out of the bathroom.

Cassian sighed, quickly stepping into the shower. His stomach growled as he started to work shampoo into his hair, but he didn't bother acknowledging it. He'd eat soon enough. He quickly ran through the motions as he showered, shutting the water off before he grabbed a towel and stepped out onto the bathmat.

He brushed his teeth before changing and heading back to his room. He paused when he got back.

Jyn had opened both windows and changed the sheets, smiling up at him when he entered.

He laid down next to her, his head pillowed on her chest.

“You have to eat.”

Cassian nodded, but didn't go to any effort to move beyond that.

She sighed, making him sit up as she grabbed his plate from the end of the bed. She held it and a fork out to him, not breaking eye contact until he accepted the plate, taking small bites of the pasta she'd made. “Why's today hurt?” She asked, reaching over to take a plate for herself. She crossed her legs, sitting so she was facing him.

“It just does,” Cassian shrugged, spearing a piece of pasta with his fork. He chewed quietly, gaze focused on the pattern on the rim of the plate.

“That's okay,” Jyn promised, reaching forward to touch his knee. “We'll eat and then we can cuddle and watch a movie, okay?”

Cassian nodded again, giving her a small smile. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Jyn asked, reaching over for the bottle of coke laying next to her.

He bit his bottom lip. _No wine_. He didn't like her self-imposed rule that she wouldn't drink wine when he had a bad day. It felt too much like he was at fault for her not being able to enjoy herself. He looked up when she touched his knee.

“I can see the gears spinning in your head, Cassian,” she said, squeezing his knee. “No wine is _my_ choice, stop blaming it on yourself.”

“Days like today are the only days you don't drink,” he shrugged, looking back down at his plate.

“First of all,” she began, reaching up to tip his chin up. “This isn't the _only_ time I don't drink, you're making me sound like an alcoholic-” She flashed him a smile that quickly dropped when he couldn't muster the energy to smile or laugh or react much beyond a tired expression. She reached forward to cup his cheek. “And I'm not doing it because of you. When you're having a bad day I want to be here for you, Cassian, and I don't want to drink because then I don't feel like I'm all here for you.”

“You can, if you wanted to,” he said quietly. “I won't care.”

“Yes, but _I_ do.”

Cassian nodded, not meeting her gaze. He glanced up when he saw her put her plate to the side.

She reached up to cup his cheek, her thumb brushing back and forth just under his eye. “I don't want to,” she said again, softly this time. “Don't worry about me, Cassian.”

He nodded slowly, his eyes slipping shut when she pushed up on her knees to kiss his forehead. “I love you.”

Jyn smiled, sitting back down, closer this time so her knee was pressed against his thigh. “I love you, too.”

They continued to eat in silence until he couldn't stomach anything more, putting his plate down on his nightstand as he moved to lay under the covers.

Jyn followed suit, quickly crawling under the covers, her half-finished pasta still in hand. “You have to finish that tonight.”

“I'm not hungry,” he said, resting his head on her lap, eyes slipping shut as she brushed her fingers through his hair.

“I don't mean right now,” she said. “But before we go to sleep tonight. You barely ate half of what I gave you.”

“I'm fine,” he said.

“Cassian, look at me.”

He sighed before tilting his head to look up at Jyn.

She grit her teeth, a bad habit she had when she was trying to fight back tears. “Please eat,” she nearly begged. “I know you're having a bad day, but you need to eat more than what you did. I'm not giving you an option.”

He sighed, shifting up on his elbow. “Jyn-”

“No,” she interrupted, setting her food down. “We talked about this when we first started dating. I'm allowed to make you get out of bed, shower, brush your teeth, and eat,” she said, listing off on her fingers. She reached forward to touch his neck. “I know it's a bad day, but you _need_ to eat.”

Cassian nodded after a moment of silence. “Okay.”

Jyn visibly relaxed, leaning forward to kiss his forehead again. “Thank you,” she breathed, resting her forehead against his. She sniffed, pulling back after a moment. She gently pulled him up to rest his head on her chest, the sound of her heartbeat under his ear.

They laid together in silence for a few moments, tangled up in each other.

“What do you want to watch?” He finally asked, watching as she reached out for the remote and her unfinished food. He held the bowl for her, earning another kiss to the top of his head.

“Thank you,” she whispered, turning on the television. She flicked through their various streaming services before finally clicking on Hulu. “You want to rewatch Buffy again?”

Cassian nodded, smiling at Jyn’s mention of her favourite show. If he was being honest with himself, it was probably his favourite too.

She gave him a gentle squeeze. “You're smiling,” she breathed, starting the first episode. She set the remote down, reaching over to flick her thumb over his cheek. “I'm sorry for snapping at you.”

“I needed to hear it,” he shrugged, tilting his head to kiss her chest before resting his ear over her heart once more.

“I love you.”

“I know you do,” Cassian assured her.

“I still have to say it sometimes,” she said quietly. “It's good to hear.”

He nodded, staying quiet for a few moments. “Jyn?”

She hummed, her attention back on her dinner.

“I love you, too.” He looked up at her after a breath, giving her a weak smile when she reached up to cup his cheek.

“I know you do,” she echoed, smiling as she leaned in to kiss him. “Thank you.”

Today still hurt and he still couldn't fix the problems in his brain, but he had her and she would be there for him- always.

And that made it all a little more bearable.


	2. anywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Where do you want to go?”_
> 
> _He didn't speak for a while, instead searching her gaze for...force knew what. “Somewhere green,” he finally admitted._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more sad boi ramblings from me
> 
> this ones in a everybody lives au

“Cassian?”

Their room was almost pitch black, safe for the emergency lights along the baseboard under the bunk. She waited for her eyes to adjust, just barely making out the lump on the bed. Jyn sighed, crossing the room quickly. She skipped waking him, instead choosing to disrobe. She quietly slipped out of her shoes, dropped each of her items of clothing into a small pile next to the foot of the bed, and finally crawled into bed with him. 

He tensed, took a deep breath, and relaxed. His hand found hers, squeezing before he murmured her name, still half asleep. “Did you just get back?”

Jyn nodded, reaching out to wedge her arm between his head and his shoulder. One of his hands quickly found hers and he squeezed, making her smile before snuggling closer. “How's your head?”

He'd been dead on his feet before she left- angry, tired, and irritable- signs she'd learned to pick up on for when the chemicals in his brain were trying to sabotage him. He groaned softly, rolling onto his stomach instead of his side. He squeezed her hand, sighing softly when she squeezed back.

Jyn followed, her body overlaying half of his. “Talk to me.”

“I’m fine.” He sighed, inching closer still. “I missed you.”

“Cassian-”

“I'll be okay in the morning,” he interrupted, his voice quiet. “Just hold me for a little.”

She sighed, finally nodding her head. “You can tell me anything.”

“I know,” he nodded slowly. “I’m okay, it's just my head playing tricks on me.”

Jyn frowned, wrapping her arms around him, shifting so she was laying over him. She squeezed him tightly as his breathing shifted from something stable to a quiet struggle to remain calm. It wasn't her- she knew her bodyweight over his didn't hurt him, he just needed it to finally break. “You're okay,” she whispered, pressing kisses to the back of his neck, his ears- “Let it out.”

Cassian took a sharp breath. “I'm sorry,” he whimpered, the first few tears finally falling from his eyes.

“Don't be sorry.” She pulled one hand free to slowly rub up and down his back. “Keep going.  _ Cry _ .”

He tensed as he always did when she ordered him to cry- she didn't like phrasing it like that, but it was what he needed -before the dam finally broke. He cried into his pillow, shaking below her, the combined weight of her and their heavy comforter allowing him to feel secure enough to let go. “I'm sorry-”

Jyn shushed him, rubbing her fingers up and down his spine. “It's okay to have emotions,” she said. She wrapped her arm tighter around him. “You're okay,” she repeated. “Keep going.”

He nodded, unwilling to speak.

She kissed his neck again. “You're so good, Cassi,” she whispered, slipping her hand under his shirt. She felt his breath catch, suddenly realising what he needed. “Can I help you get this off?”

He nodded, staying quiet.

Jyn pushed herself up on the forearm below him, quickly dragging the hem of his shirt up. She tugged it over his head and down his arms before dropping it on the floor. She settled over him once more, her skin against his sending a shiver through him. “Better?”

He nodded again.

“Good,” Jyn whispered, kissing the back of his neck. She held him close, rubbing his side as he cried silently.

“Can we run away?” He finally whispered, catching her off guard.

“What?”

“I-” He paused. “Nevermind.”

“Cassian-”

“It was a stupid thought,” he interrupted. He sniffed, reaching out to nudge her hip.

Jyn frowned, pushing off of him.

He slipped out of their bunk, heading to the fresher.

She curled up on her side under the covers, waiting quietly, trying to ignore the impatient part of herself screaming inside her to go after him. She wouldn't chase him, sometimes he just needed space to breathe or splash some water on his face.

She watched the handle, waiting for it to turn, for him to come back and curl up in her arms. She hated seeing him like this- she felt powerless to do anything but ride it out with him. 

There was a crash and she sat up in bed. “Cassi?” She asked hesitantly.

The door opened and he looked at the floor as he walked back to her. He crawled into bed and curled up next to her without a word.

Jyn wrapped herself around him. “You okay?”

He nodded, letting out a breath against her collarbone. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I threw a shampoo bottle.”

Jyn's brows furrowed. “Why?”

He shrugged. “Angry.”

“At anything in particular?”

He sighed, leaning up to press his lips to her chest, about where her heart was. He stayed quiet for a moment. “About leaving.”

“We could.”

“No, we couldn't,” Cassian huffed. “There's a war going on.”

“Yes, we could,” Jyn countered. She reached out to tip his chin up, forcing him to look at her. “Where do you want to go?”

He didn't speak for a while, instead searching her gaze for...force knew what. “Somewhere green,” he finally admitted.

Jyn smiled, reaching up to brush a stray tear from the corner of his eye. “When do you want to leave?”

“But the rebellion-”

“Will go on without us,” Jyn interrupted, trying to put him at ease. “We pulled off Scariff and then some,” she chortled, ignoring the burn of tears in her own eyes at all the thought of all the horrible things they'd done for themselves, each other, and the cause. “We can go.”

Cassian looked down at her chin, reaching up to touch the fading scar from their last mission. “We could go.” He met her gaze again. “But Bodhi and Leia and-”

“We'll send them a holo.” She could see he was ready to start spiralling again and it broke her heart.

He nodded slowly. “This is all I know,” he said quietly, more to himself than to her.

“I've started over enough times.” Jyn smiled when he relaxed a little. She leaned forward to kiss his brow. “We can learn together.”

“I don't know,” he sighed. “We can't just steal a ship and run off.”

She shrugged a shoulder. “I've done it plenty of times,” she admitted. “We don't have to stay, Cassian. They may have raised you, but you don't owe them anything.”

He stayed quiet for a long time, thinking. He jumped slightly when she kissed his brow, resting her forehead against his.

“Stop getting lost in your head.”

Cassian nodded, curling closer. “Can we talk about this tomorrow? My head hurts.”

Jyn nodded, reaching out to tangle her fingers in his hair. “Of course.” She kissed his forehead again, pulling him closer. “Go to sleep.”

“I love you,” he whispered.

Jyn smiled softly, pulling the blankets tighter around them. “I love you, too.”

She listened for Cassian's breathing to even out before allowing herself to finally sleep, the feeling of him warm and alive and  _ safe _ in her arms lulling her into her first peaceful sleep since the last time he was wrapped up with her.


	3. i love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't always feel okay, but Jyn tried her best to make things all right when he felt like he was falling apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote my feelings again lmao

Cassian stared off at the wall, not paying attention to his surroundings. His vision finally focused on the television again when he realized Jyn had begun stroking his hair. He blinked, curling closer to her.

“You okay?”

He nodded closing his eyes.

She squeezed him, leaning down to kiss his temple. “Talk to me.”

“I'm fine, really.”

“Cassian.”

He forced his eyes open.

Jyn's fingers gently wrapped around his jaw, just as he noticed the look of concern in her eyes. “What is it?”

He blinked, unsure what to do. He was fine- it was just his brain trying to fight him. An imbalance of chemicals and his thoughts demonizing themselves. His eyes slipped closed when her thumb traced along his cheek, his throat tightening.

She reached up to wipe tears from his eyes before she rubbed her knuckles along his cheek. “You want to go lay down and watch television?”

Cassian laughed weakly. “We're already doing that.”

“I meant back in bed,” she clarified, giving him a soft smile when his eyes opened. “We don't have to do anything, you just…” She trailed off, rubbing her thumb back and forth along his cheek.

Cassian ignored the tear that slid over the bridge of his nose and down his cheek. His eyes closed when Jyn reached up to wipe it away.

She sighed out through her nose, a telltale sign that she was getting frustrated.

Usually, he'd talk to her, take her hand in his and hold it until she relaxed the furrowing of her brows or she stopped pursing her lips- but for once, _he_ was the cause of her frustration and he couldn't face it.

“Cassian?”

He hummed, barely breathing as he waited for her to continue.

“Come on.”

He sighed, nodding his head before he forced himself to sit up. He was just focusing in on how his head and shoulders felt cold now that they weren't in her lap when she stood and held out a hand to him. He looked up at her when she held out her hand. “Jyn-”

“Let's get back into bed.”

Cassian frowned. He looked down at her hand and then back at her eyes. “Are you sure?”

She nodded, her hand still waiting for his. “I want to hold you.”

Cassian couldn't breathe. “You don't have to-” His eyes were stinging as he shook his head. “I can be by myself, you don't-”

Jyn stepped forward until she was standing between his thighs. She rested one hand on his shoulder and the other cupped his cheek, forcing him to look up at her. She leaned down to kiss his brow, resting her forehead against his for a few quiet moments. “I love you.”

“Jyn-”

“And loving you means I'm here for you when you can't love yourself.”

He felt his chest tightening and the first tears starting to blur his vision. “Why?” He bit his tongue as soon as he said it. That was...he shouldn't have said that. Jyn didn't deserve-

“It doesn't matter,” she said softly, her voice a gentle caress, just like every touch. “I love you.”

He shook his head, looking down at the wet spots on the bottom of her shirt. “I don't deserve it.”

She tilted his chin up, pulling away just long enough to kiss him. “I love you.” She was always so gentle with him, he didn't understand it. “Come to bed.”

He opened his mouth to protest, but her hand on his shoulder moved up to his neck. Her touch was so soothing. He finally nodded his head, eyes slipping shut again. “Okay.”

She kissed his forehead, gently pulling away until he opened his eyes and forced himself to his feet. She wrapped one arm around his waist, the other searching for her hand until she could thread her fingers through his. She squeezed his hand when they crossed the threshold of their room, her hand pulling back from his. She pulled her sweater over her head before dropping it to the floor in between them.

Cassian slowly started to do the same, earning a smile and a kiss from Jyn.

She stretched her arms over her head after she stripped down to only a pair of panties. She held her arms open just as he pushed his jeans down his hips.

He walked into her arms after stepping out of his jeans. He buried his face in her neck, letting out a shiver when she rubbed her hand up and down his neck.

“Come on.” She reached down to squeeze his shoulder, making him stand up straight again. She smiled up at him, pushing up on the tips of her toes to kiss him. “Into bed.”

Cassian nodded obediently, leading her with him as he walked to the bed. He pulled the blankets back, her fingers still wrapped around his as he crawled onto the mattress.

Jyn followed, smiling when he wrapped himself around her. She pulled the blankets higher around them before she wrapped her arms around him tightly. She kissed his brow. “I love you.”

Cassian felt a knot form in the back of his throat. He held her tightly, ignoring how wet his eyes were when he pressed his face against her chest.

Her arms tightened around him. She rubbed her hand up and down his back. “It's okay,” she whispered in his ear. She kissed the shell of his ear, holding him closer when he finally let out a sob. “That's it,” she whispered, wedging one of her legs through his. “You're okay, I’ve got you.”

He bit his lip to stifle his crying when she started showering him with kisses. He whimpered, shaking as he tried to keep himself together.

“I love you.”

He held her tightly, gripping her hip when he couldn't hold back anymore.

She leaned down to whisper in his ear. “I love you.”

He sniffed, swallowing hard to try to compose himself. “You don't have to-”

“I do,” she interrupted. She kept kissing him. “I love you.”

He couldn't help crying openly.

“I love you.” She reached up to cup his neck as she kissed the top of his head. “I love you.”

He felt his sadness beginning to dissipate as his tears slowed.

“I love you.”

He felt heavy with exhaustion, his tears having stopped.

“I love you,” Jyn whispered in his ear, kissing him again.

“I love you, too,” he said, his voice hoarse. He felt her smile against his skin.

“I love you so much, Cassian.”

He attempted to squeeze her, but he felt weak.

“Sleep,” she whispered, one hand reaching up to brush through his hair.

“I love you,” he whispered.

Jyn gently tugged at his hair so he'd lift his head. “I love you,” she said again, this time with a smile.

Cassian leaned up to kiss her softly. He pressed a kiss to the skin above her heart before laying his head there, the sound of her heartbeat in his ear lulling him to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> if you or someone you know has depression or a mental illness, don't be afraid to ask for or offer help.
> 
> if you even need a human, feel free to come talk to me- literatiruinedme on tumblr.


End file.
